RESTORATIVE
QUESTIONING
LISTENING BEFORE ASKING.
Restorative questioning begins with listening.
When something difficult or harmful happens, we can easily move too quickly into response, explanation, or repair. Restorative questions invite us to pause, listen, and make space for fuller understanding before deciding what needs to happen next.
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It is human to make assumptions about what another person thinks, feels, or needs. The RFNL framework questions create opportunities for people to share their own stories, but asking these questions is only helpful if we are prepared to listen fully.
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In a Relationships First culture, we strive for dialogic listening. This means listening with the purpose of seeking clarity, waiting to form our response, and staying open to the possibility that what we hear may deepen or change our understanding.
FROM WHY? TO WHAT HAPPENED?
Restorative questioning invites us to shift away from questions that can sound like blame, judgement, or accusation.
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A question like “Why did you do that?” may be familiar, but it can quickly put people on the defensive. It can suggest that we have already decided what happened, who is responsible, or what the answer should be.
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Asking “What happened?” opens a different kind of space. It invites story, context, reflection, and understanding. It does not excuse harm or remove accountability. Instead, it helps us begin in a way that honours dignity and makes fuller accountability possible.
This shift matters. Restorative questions are not meant to be a script we use on someone else. They are a way of slowing down, listening more carefully, and making room for people to understand impact, name needs, and consider what is required to move forward.
QUESTIONS THAT OPEN DIALOGUE.
Restorative questions are open-ended. They help us move from quick judgement toward curiosity, understanding, and responsibility.
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RFNL often works with the following questions:
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What happened?
What were/are you thinking?
What were/are you feeling?
What's been the hardest thing for you?
Who has been impacted? How?
What do you need [to do] in order to go on?
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These questions can be used in many ways. They can support reflection after a difficult moment, help people explore harm or conflict, deepen learning, or open space for dialogue in a classroom, workplace, family, or community setting.
They can also be used for self-reflection. Before asking these questions of someone else, we can ask them of ourselves.
ASKING WITH CARE.
Restorative questioning is most helpful when it is grounded in genuine curiosity and care.
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The situation will determine which questions are helpful, when they should be asked, and whether they should be used formally or informally. Sometimes one question is enough. Sometimes several are needed. Sometimes the best first step is simply to listen.
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When harm has occurred, restorative questioning requires preparation and care. Questions should not be used to rush someone toward repair, force accountability, or decide in advance what needs to happen.
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The purpose is not to control the outcome or lead someone toward the answer we expect. The purpose is to support understanding, dignity, accountability, and a possible way forward.
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Restorative questions work best when the person asking can honestly say: I do not already know the answer.